Tuesday, April 1, 2014

What's Next

I need a plan. Something. Something to focus on as time simultaneously marches on and stands still. Waiting is the worst. I really, really, really hate the waiting. Fertility cycles are allllll about waiting.

A week from today we go back to meet with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. Same practice, new doctor. I need a fresh start. Our previous-new doctor was nice enough, but she has failed to get me pregnant. So there's that. When we met with her and discussed our first failed cycle, she showed little interest in our responses. The message was, "I'm going to tell you what works, and that's what we'll do." I'm eager to have a different set of eyes on our case. I'm sure we'll review our two failed cycles (god, last time we were in that office we left knowing our baby didn't survive...) and talk about ruling out any unknown issues. In my heart I don't believe there are any problems on my end. I think we've just had a streak of bad luck. But I guess better safe than sorry. Sometimes, they say, after child birth there may be trauma to the uterus. I had a saline ultrasound back in November that looked fine. But maybe they'll dig deeper. Lovely.

After that, to my knowledge, it is advised to wait two full cycles before undergoing fertility treatments. After a D&C your uterus is scraped clean. Two cycles is believed to be enough time to "build things back up". This is all what Dr. Google tells me. I'm guessing our RE will tell us something similar. So, best case scenario, based on my half-knowledge and guessing, we'll have another shot in June. That is, assuming my body is back on track.

I had my follow up with my OB/Gyn yesterday. My body has physically healed and the pathology on the fetus and surrounding tissue came back normal. The fetus appeared to be "typically developing". I found this comforting and annoying. Of course, I'm relieved to hear that everything looked healthy and my body was properly developing a pregnancy. But also, what does this mean? The baby didn't have to die? I hate that thought. I'd almost rather know there was a severe issue which meant there was no way the fetus could survive. I also have another thought I come back to: did the baby's heart just stop beating? Like one second it was there and the next gone? Or was it a slow progression? Did it beat slower and slower and slower and eventually stop? Why this swirls around my head, I don't know. I'm guessing the latter.

Mr. Fix-It and I did not opt to do any additional testing on the fetus. We did not believe that we needed any genetic information, and finding out the sex would just make the loss harder. The knowledge that we lost a little boy or girl would always stick with me; I'd always picture our family differently. The part that does stick with me, though, is this permanent mark on future pregnancies. I hate that I'll have to say the words "second baby, third pregnancy" someday. I mean, I'll love that I might have the opportunity to say those words, but you know what I mean. It's as if any future joy will be coupled with the reminder of this loss. In fact, that was one of the first things I said in the room after our ultrasound. "I hate that we'll always remember this".

So, as we remember, and wait, and hope, and look to the future, I wear this. It's just a tiny reminder of better things to come. Sometimes it's just what I need.

{Alex and Ani // "Tree of Life" // Hope, Conservation, Growth}

I have a pile of Alex and Ani bracelets on my nightstand. This morning Baby Fix-It was playing with them. He put two on his own wrist and then handed me one. Which one did he hand me? You guessed it.


  1. Love that bracelet and love you, friend. You are so strong and I cannot wait to see what the future holds for you and your family. Better things will come!

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