Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Thoughts on "Not Finding Out"

It started with a drunken night in Vegas. That's how all good stories start, right? We were in town to celebrate a wedding and Mr. Fix-It was hosting a bachelor party for his best friend. I opted to hit the town with the girlfriends/fiancees/wives of the group. One of the girls, recently having had her second baby started RAVING about "not finding out".

All stories are slightly more dramatic and important after a few drinks. But, that's not the point.

Slightly-tipsy-wife talked about how "that moment" in the delivery room - seeing her baby for the first time, hearing her husband announce it's sex, and taking in the realization she'd just had just become a mother - it was the most amazing moment of her life. She said the surprise, the excitement, the motivation to push harder in the delivery room had so much to do with her desire to finally know. Would she have a son or daughter? It made meeting her baby that much more incredible.

After hearing a pitch like that, it seemed awfully hard to not consider not finding out.

Mr. Fix-It was on board pretty easily. He loved the idea of saving the surprise for the moment we meet our baby. Plus, slightly-tipsy-wife presented him with a similar compelling argument when the boys took a break from playing blackjack. Mind you, at this time I wasn't even engaged. But again, that's not the point (right?).

When we finally did start talking babies, we both remembered that night in Vegas. And how much our friend made not finding out seem like the most magical thing in the world. So, we went for it.

Over time, we also found a few reasons of our own.
  • Items for Multiple Kids: I can tell you right now, if I knew I was having a girl there would be a whole lot of pink, girly stuff on our registry. Pink stroller? Maybe. Similarly, if it was a boy, I'm quite sure I'd be looking at more boyish swaddle blankets and the like. Not finding out is forcing me to select items that are for a BABY, and therefore can be used as we have more kids. It's practical, and avoids waste.
  • Avoid Gobs of (unwanted) Clothes: I'm picky about baby clothes. I've been called snobby - I don't mind. What I do mind? "Daddy's Little Princess" and "100% handsome" on baby clothes. No, thanks. I find a lot of the gendered stuff in big box stores generally unfortunate (and stereotypical). I know it's unavoidable to an extent, and people are generous enough to buy gifts so I should hush, but if not finding out helps us stick toward more classic pieces, so be it!
  • Getting the Essentials: Not finding out helps you focus on what you actually need. People love to by outfits. I do! But people also wind up with 3 tutus and no car seat. I know it's fun, but my infant doesn't need boat shoes. Yet.
  • It's fun to guess!: Really. I love hearing what people think we're having. I also love that I genuinely have no idea and will truly be shocked in the delivery room.
So, that's how we made our decision to not find out. And to those of you who swear you'd never be able to wait: honestly, it's not that hard once you've committed to it. 


  1. I think it's great that you aren't finding out. It's sweet. :-)

  2. I've known forever that I didn't want to find out, so my husband wasn't given a choice ;) Since we've started talking babies 2 of his male co-workers have suggested to him that we do not find out. I find it so sweet to hear that.

    Also I love your other reasons to not find out!

  3. I think it's awesome. And your points are definitely true! We genuinely talked about not finding out, but I just really couldn't stand it much longer. I'm glad we did find out for several reasons, but I know you will love being surprised!I'm waiting on a post about names :)

  4. We're not finding out either! It took some persuading of the husband, but once we had made up our minds, he was completely on board. I'm so excited to find out in November! I feel exactly the same way about getting less frivolous clothing items. And I just hope that no one is too disappointed that they can't buy silly, overly gendered items for us. It's not like we would use them anyway!

  5. I really love this, and I think I would LOVE to do the same thing. My husband would definitely be iffy about it, so I'd have to do some convincing, but we'll see what happens when we get there! :)

  6. A very compelling argument for not finding out! I've always thought I would want to find out, but you make some great points! We're a couple years out on starting a family, but I will remember this :)

  7. I love this post! I have always said when the time comes I don't want to find out, which is very odd for me because I generally dislike surprises. It will be so exciting when you finally do find out!

  8. I support your waiting as it is pretty awesome to anticpate that moment when you do find out and find out it is EXACTLY what you wanted, the baby you have longed to meet for your entire matter the sex! I have to say that we are in the midst of pregnancy number two and chose to not find out again...and it is WAAYYY easier the second time, we didn't even really have to discuss it, which i think is a product of knowing how grand it was the first go around and knowing that same joy is just around the corner!

    1. That's so great! Funny enough, we want to find out for our next one. It seems fun to experience it both ways!

  9. I think these are all great reasons for not finding out--super compelling argument! We DID find out, and I don't regret that for a second either, although I will say your point about registering is spot on. We have gone gender neutral with the big stuff, like car seat, stroller, furniture, etc. but I would be lying if I said our registry did not have a lot of blue on it in the form of swaddles, washcloths, towels, etc. I'm fine with it though. All of the "outfits" we've received so far definitely work for boy or girl (we didn't really register for many, save for some onesies, sleep & plays, and white socks and such), so that's good, and if we have a girl baby in the future and she needs to use a blue washcloth or swaddle blanket, no biggie. One thing I do want to point out is that it was still a SURPRISE to us to find out--as I like to say, we just found out at 20 weeks instead of 40 weeks. My big motivation in the delivery room won't be to finally know, it will be to finally know HIM. :) Great post!

  10. I love your arguments! I think we will either be doing this or secretly finding out and not telling anyone. Although, that's a big secret to keep :)

  11. If you're considering not finding out if it's a girl or boy, there's an online baby registry just for you. AND you can pick out the specific girl and boy items you want so that you're not stuck with clothes you don't like. The registry is called NotFindingOut. All their items are paired into girl and boy counterparts. You can register for the items you want, you just don't know whether you'll receive the girl or boy version. Once your baby is born, the gender-specific gifts are shipped to you right away so you are equipped with gender-specific items. It's fun to have some gender neutral and some gender-specific goods when you're not finding out so this registry lets you do both! For baby showers, anyone who buys you an NFO gift will bring a wrapped Preview Card that shows the item purchased for you in both the girl and boy version so that you can see what they bought you but not have the surprise ruined. No one finds out what the baby is until it's born. VERY FUN!

  12. I think it sounds so awesome, and Sean and I talk about not finding out with our next one, but I doubt that either of us would be able to hold strong. Last pregnancy I went to get an u/s every week, so I KNOW at some point I would have broken down and asked about the gender. There were too many opportunities!

  13. I So agree with your reasons! And I would NEVER buy anything major (stroller, carseat, linens, etc) to be PINK!!! or BLUE!!! - I always wonder if people are that rich that it doesn't matter for their second baby. But part of me thinks I'd still want to know, LOL. But B said if we ever procreate he would DEFINITELY want to know... so I bet that if we have kids we'll find out.

    I also think it's exciting for the people in your life who can't wait to find out too... think about how anxiously people will await to hear you gave birth, not just for the time, weight, or name, but THE GENDER! Must be so thrilling!